Journeys can have unexpected twists and turns. My path into motherhood had plenty of those and was one of patience, endurance, and finally relinquishing. We did follow doctor’s orders and finally came in to be induced after 3 weeks of delay. We were trying to allow my body to go into labor on its own, to have the natural birth we spent so long preparing for. But as we found, forcing a flower to bloom does not work if it is not ready, and so this was the case with my body. The doctors gave us two days of a more gentle induction to get things going, and it started, although very slowly… That is where the patience came in.
The beginning of the third day proved to be a turning point. The pressure was on by the ‘authorities’ of labor and delivery to break my water artificially. We felt uneasy about it as the baby was still pretty high up, but finally allowed this to happen for a few various reasons. I was allowed to labor out of bed, moving around and finding my rhythm. When the pain started to become unbearable, as contractions came on stronger and more frequent, my husband and mother were there to help me through the pain. Yet, my body was still resisting opening, I was hardly budging. I only progressed to 5cm after more than 48 hours of labor, it was so discouraging. I wanted to do this on my own, but induced contractions can be quite intense, this was my endurance phase. I was doing pretty good dealing with the waves of pain, but after so many hours, it was clear I needed help, and a bit of rest.
Seven or so hours after rupturing my water, pain relief had arrived. The exhaustion set in and I was ready to rest for a bit. But little did I know only a couple of hours of rest was on the agenda for me. Baby’s heart rate dropped twice while I was sleeping. I was moved to correct it. Although, just a matter of minutes after that move, it dropped again and would not came back up. I was woken up by my favorite nurse telling me, “we’re taking the baby.” I was so disoriented and confused. She clarified, “You are going in for an emergency c-section now.” I got one last glimpse of my worried husband before being swiftly taken away into the operating room. Within minutes baby was out and crying. My beloved husband was not allowed to be in the room at the moment of our sons birth. I felt so alone, confused, violated, and heartbroken. Baby was not even shown to me. He was moved to the corner of the room and all I could hear was his screams.
After the surgery my husband was allowed in and able to see our precious son. The drugs coursing through my blood kept me disoriented and unable to move much. There was no way I could hold our baby safely. That first golden hour after birth to bond skin to skin with my boy would be missed, like so many other things for my son and I that evening. The birth I had worked so hard towards was taken away from us without consent. The last step of relinquishing to the birth I received is still an inner struggle… It’s not an easy journey, yet I know so many other women share my experience. One of disappointment mixed with the love we have for our newly born child. Questions are still fresh in my mind, ‘what if’ we did this or avoided that… I feel the choices we made at the moment were right for us under the circumstances. Some things I just have to admit are out of our control.
Our son had arrived in the late hours of July 15th, 2015. He was a healthy 7 lbs 3 oz and 20.5 inches long. He was perfect in every way. No indication as to why the heart rate drops. He surprised the whole operating team with his instant cries on arrival. He was so alert, curious and had wisdom in his eyes according to his father. My husband looked at the boy we called “Will” for the first time and realized that the name we had chosen for him months before, and had kept a secret, was indeed the right one for him. Justice William Reign.